From disappointment to confidence. A journey worth taking.

You're not free when you do what you want, you're free when you express who you are. I read this on a cute little sign in Holbox while walking around the island, next to my friend Manon. Spending time with her and our friend Oscar there for a weekend made me realize four things:

1. I pack a lot in my suitcase; clothes become so unnecessary when you're traveling, haha.

2. I have a hard time giving up comfort.

3. I like to take things slowly and rest.

4. It's time to learn to trust.

I've been traveling since November 2024, after a 2023 that I don't even need to tell you about: one day that year I was about to get married and then I didn't hear from him again, 10 years of a relationship that for mental health reasons I had to accommodate somewhere; I quit a job that was exhausting me, I moved twice, I got so sick I lost count; in short, my body and mental state went into survival mode.

So, I've been cleansing myself of all that for about a year now; first of all, of the ghosting, the infidelities, the grief, the illnesses in general, the after-effects that linger when you have a deeply broken heart. I'd like to say that you recover from those battles as if nothing happened, but the truth is, you're never the same again.

That's why I started traveling. I realized I had two options: follow my friends' advice to "go back to the market" and find a new partner. Opening dating apps, having fleeting romances, "having fun", following the advice of other singles, going on arranged dates (those "casual get-togethers" where your married friends introduce you to "a friend who just so happened to be invited too"... Anyway, don't take it the wrong way, I appreciate the intentions, but I'm really scared of all that, it's not my thing and I'm not going to force myself; I think I speak for most singles when I say that it's a very personal process, and that we don't need help filling "that gap" and that yes, it is a process that is anything but linear, sometimes you enjoy getting to know yourself, personal growth and rediscovering what it is to love, but other times you are tired of the same shit, of connections that at best end up as a nice friendship or networking and at worst, make you doubt if you will ever really meet that person.

I chose option number two: to get away from all that, choose celibacy, and travel. It gave me all the things I'd forgotten to do with myself throughout my twenties, focusing on keeping afloat in a relationship where neither of us knew how to paddle. Very similar to what happened to me with Manon in the kayak, each of us going our own way, haha. She wanted to go fast, and I wanted to relax. I felt like I preferred to go it alone. We didn't speak the same language, and I despaired of being able to move forward. If someone in their twenties asked me, I'd tell them that the most important thing in that phase isn't loving, it's discovering. And that true love comes as an added bonus when you first strengthen your relationship with God and focus on being the right person for yourself, then for someone else, instead of seeking or expecting it from someone else.

Manon is in her twenties, and seeing her reminds me of what it's like to live with a heart that hasn't been so disappointed. I see the ease with which she dares to trust, how she takes things lightly, and how fear has no place in her suitcase. She has a heart and an energy that I admire and want to nurture, because I believe that those of us on the other side have the mission of protecting pure, new, unbroken hearts, the hearts of children.

But how can I do that with myself? How can I care for and at the same time expose a heart undergoing rehabilitation after intensive care to new experiences? I read somewhere: To sustain a dream, you have to have a nervous system that doesn't collapse or dissociate with expansion. It's not enough to want something with all your heart. If your biology remains in survival mode, your body will shut down anything that smacks of intensity, visibility, or risk. Even what you most desire. -Lorena Cuendias. And that makes perfect sense to me. Maybe the answer is in that little sign in Holbox. You have to express who you are and not necessarily go after what you want. Say: hey, I've also been broken, and it will surely happen to me again, but even with everything, I'm here, willing to trust, to try again, to let myself be surprised, to tolerate rejection, to see what really happens if I do what scares me, to live less in my head and more in reality, to walk in the darkness of the sea like our friend Oscar and overcome his fears, to show myself as I am and take everything lightly like our friend Manon or to be willing to contemplate in order to learn and open up, instead of closing myself off like Montse.

Maybe I don't have the answer yet, but on this personal journey, I'm willing to slowly understand it, to share it with the hope that it will be helpful to others. So far, I'm left with the following:

1. It's okay to protect ourselves without preventing us from seeing things positively and purely.

2. It's not about always being gentle; it's about showing oneself authentically.

3. There's pleasure in letting go of composure.

4. Not everything is so important: not appearance, not the best hotel, not doing all the activities on a trip, not always being comfortable. Sometimes, simply the darkness and silence, or being in the middle of nowhere, can feel like the greatest enrichment for the soul.

5. Packing too much can make it difficult to move forward. To move from one place to another, it's necessary to pack only the unnecessary, and I'm not even talking about clothes anymore. 😉

   
   

6. I hope that, wherever you are, on this part of your journey, you let go of a little of what you no longer want to take with you, so that at your next destination, you'll arrive a little closer to yourself.

   
   

   With love, Montse (Margo Quiroz).